wit & shit

• 14: days left in the semester
• 20: xanax left to see me through
• 2: nights i have slept on the floor, next to my bed, with the fruit flies, refusing to get into bed until i had ‘regained my dignity’
• 2: number of times i did that soberly
• 6: major mental breakdowns
• 1: number of times i fell down our entire flight of stairs because i am an old woman and help, i’ve fallen and i can’t (won’t) get up
• 250: approximate number of bowls i’ve smoked
• 4: times i have skipped class specifically to make unnecessary crafts
• 1: tuna casserole made (soberly) at 1:30 a.m. (great depression housewife skillz, see me)
• 3: bottles of wine stolen from the ex-president’s cellar
• 100: approximate number of fruit flies i have killed by hand
• 300: approximate number of fruit flies i have killed through whiskey traps
• 1: number of actual flies i trapped in my ceiling light, then duct taped shut in order to watch it die (no guilt. it was loud and a show-off.)
• 20: times i have said “that’s it, i’m dropping out!”
• 50: estimated number of times i have gotten out the hot glue gun as a remedy for anxiety

• children’s book author (i am the master of rhymes and lessons)
• professional organizer (i could work for hoarders! or its cutesy tlc cousin, stuffocating)
• travel writer (duh)
• clerical and administrative work (personal assistant for Ovechkin?)
• anything related to Martha Stewart Living or Real Simple magazines
• housewife (to Ovechkin? or any other Cap, really)
• baker at a dispensary (obvious choice)
• dogwalker/sitter (i am very talented at walking [and sitting] and dogs like me almost as much as i love them)
• professional friend (mvp= most valuable pal)
• elementary school teacher (minus the pee and vomit and crying, heavy on the crafts and snacks and naps and stories and recess)
• jewish grandmother (more of an inevitable art form than a career?)
• weed smoker (realistic choice)

brb gotta go fail my last final lol lol lol!

• banana caramel
• honey chai
• strawberry mint
• pumpkin chocolate
• lemon lavender
• apple walnut

This is what I did during class this afternoon, come up with cheesecake flavors to test out when I go home. Luckily, my professor is pregnant and fully supported my paying attention solely to flavor combos that came into my head as opposed to the class discussion.