wit & shit

• being a wife. great at that shit. for reference, see my husband, cjh. intended/desired spouses include ovechkin, gordon-levitt, gosling, and blake from workaholics. i can housewife that shit up with the best of ‘em. cooking, cleaning, decorating, hosting, child-rearing, nagging? all qualities i come with. full package lady over here!
• driving large vehicles. state-certified to drive large vans. experience with minivans, oldsmobiles, and now- buicks. if you ask me to drive shift i will vomit on you out of anxiety, so don’t go there.
• having extreme anxiety. need someone who should be on xanax/marijuana at all times? i’m your girl. i will freak out over any and every situation you can think of.
• coping with anxiety and stress by actively not giving a fuck. i don’t just say “i don’t give a fuck”- those words are meaningful and holy to me. i am very talented at just plain old not giving a shit.
• rapping. formal performances include my 8th grade talent show (it’s still a big deal, okay?). informal performances include every time i leave the land of sobriety.
• tweezing my eyebrows while high. i am legitimately very talented at this due to my obsessive nature and attention to detail.
• great at picking friends. don’t even get me started on this shit, because no one else can beat me at this game. i have been steadily collecting interesting, stellar human beings as my supporting cast of characters for years. i am also great at snipping people out of my life if they’re bad energyyyy maaaaan
• i am supremely talented at arguing. i am incredibly arrogant, and will articulate you to death in a battle. i will come at you rationally, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically (okay not physically).
• having zero competitive edge. want someone around who, while maintaining supreme arrogance, has no interest in winning, even in the aforementioned arguments? i’m all yours. want to play wii bowling and get really into it? cool, i’m nonchalant as a motherfucker, go right ahead and get bloodthirsty.
• editing writing. i will nitpick the shit out of your writing and improve it until you take your rightful place at the helm of society.
• making lists. see: being a virgo, being obsessive-compulsive, being a perfectionist

• excellent at sleeping. in bed, a car, a bus, a plane, you name it. any place, any time, i’m a professional dozer. no ambien needed, as sleep is already my addiction. rip van parys/rachel van winkle.
• excellent at eating. do you need someone who is very good at eating? i’m your girl. i will eat a lot. i will eat it slowly, so i can convince myself i’m being healthy! at all times of day and night, i am very talented at eating. vegan, gluten-free sunbutter on spirolina chips? i’m down! cheese double cheese from late-night checkers? i’m there too.
• cursing like a motherfucking sailor.
• googling shit and finding exactly what you need. i know my way around the interwebs, this ain’t my first rodeo.
• speaking exclusively in accents while drunk (favorites include: baltimore, southern, russian, marcel the shell)
• getting excessively and inappropriately drunk
• smoking weed. i am very, very good at this. practice makes perfect. i am also a motivated stoner, which means that this bullet point will only serve to make me better at all of the other things on this list
• shedding. like a cat. i will leave a dna trail wherever you want me to.
• other general cat-like behaviors (see: sleeping, eating)
• manipulating people. i will talk you into giving me your pants before you even realize you’ve taken them off.
• jewish mother in training. i will worry about you when you don’t call, feed you when you’re sick, and complain to you endlessly, but only out of love
• cooking. i am very offended when people turn down my food so you better fucking like my shit.
• extensive knowledge of mid-90’s-early 00’s rap/hip-hop/r&b/girl and boy band music. s club 7? come at me. destiny’s child? see me. blackstreet? certainly not a one-hit wonder.

still unemployed, but i am drunk off of alcohol i didn’t pay for, so there’s that. big ups to my dad for supplying me with a constant stream of the ever-delicious honey moon and my mama for all of the chocolate wine. PEOPLE. you’re not listening- chocolate. wine. chocolate wine. this is a bitch drink for the ages, and i want to bath in it. catherine zeta-jones washes her hair with dark beer, so why can’t i wash mine with chocolate wine? it’ll smell bomb, and probably make me wash my hair more often.

Hire me! Someone give me a job for the summer. Seriously. I’m a hard worker, and probably not too terrible to be around. Okay, you guys? Tumblr, do you hear me? I just need someone to pay me, I don’t care what the job is (except for, yanno, prostitution and selling drugz). I feel like I am living in Are You My Mother? except it’s Will you hire me? But I am unhireable. Tear for me!

Also, when you type ‘unhireable’ and it tells you it’s not a word and suggests other words, the first thing that comes up is ‘unlikeable’. My computer is tryna destroy my self-esteem, you guys.