wit & shit

• being a wife. great at that shit. for reference, see my husband, cjh. intended/desired spouses include ovechkin, gordon-levitt, gosling, and blake from workaholics. i can housewife that shit up with the best of ‘em. cooking, cleaning, decorating, hosting, child-rearing, nagging? all qualities i come with. full package lady over here!
• driving large vehicles. state-certified to drive large vans. experience with minivans, oldsmobiles, and now- buicks. if you ask me to drive shift i will vomit on you out of anxiety, so don’t go there.
• having extreme anxiety. need someone who should be on xanax/marijuana at all times? i’m your girl. i will freak out over any and every situation you can think of.
• coping with anxiety and stress by actively not giving a fuck. i don’t just say “i don’t give a fuck”- those words are meaningful and holy to me. i am very talented at just plain old not giving a shit.
• rapping. formal performances include my 8th grade talent show (it’s still a big deal, okay?). informal performances include every time i leave the land of sobriety.
• tweezing my eyebrows while high. i am legitimately very talented at this due to my obsessive nature and attention to detail.
• great at picking friends. don’t even get me started on this shit, because no one else can beat me at this game. i have been steadily collecting interesting, stellar human beings as my supporting cast of characters for years. i am also great at snipping people out of my life if they’re bad energyyyy maaaaan
• i am supremely talented at arguing. i am incredibly arrogant, and will articulate you to death in a battle. i will come at you rationally, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically (okay not physically).
• having zero competitive edge. want someone around who, while maintaining supreme arrogance, has no interest in winning, even in the aforementioned arguments? i’m all yours. want to play wii bowling and get really into it? cool, i’m nonchalant as a motherfucker, go right ahead and get bloodthirsty.
• editing writing. i will nitpick the shit out of your writing and improve it until you take your rightful place at the helm of society.
• making lists. see: being a virgo, being obsessive-compulsive, being a perfectionist