wit & shit

• excellent at sleeping. in bed, a car, a bus, a plane, you name it. any place, any time, i’m a professional dozer. no ambien needed, as sleep is already my addiction. rip van parys/rachel van winkle.
• excellent at eating. do you need someone who is very good at eating? i’m your girl. i will eat a lot. i will eat it slowly, so i can convince myself i’m being healthy! at all times of day and night, i am very talented at eating. vegan, gluten-free sunbutter on spirolina chips? i’m down! cheese double cheese from late-night checkers? i’m there too.
• cursing like a motherfucking sailor.
• googling shit and finding exactly what you need. i know my way around the interwebs, this ain’t my first rodeo.
• speaking exclusively in accents while drunk (favorites include: baltimore, southern, russian, marcel the shell)
• getting excessively and inappropriately drunk
• smoking weed. i am very, very good at this. practice makes perfect. i am also a motivated stoner, which means that this bullet point will only serve to make me better at all of the other things on this list
• shedding. like a cat. i will leave a dna trail wherever you want me to.
• other general cat-like behaviors (see: sleeping, eating)
• manipulating people. i will talk you into giving me your pants before you even realize you’ve taken them off.
• jewish mother in training. i will worry about you when you don’t call, feed you when you’re sick, and complain to you endlessly, but only out of love
• cooking. i am very offended when people turn down my food so you better fucking like my shit.
• extensive knowledge of mid-90’s-early 00’s rap/hip-hop/r&b/girl and boy band music. s club 7? come at me. destiny’s child? see me. blackstreet? certainly not a one-hit wonder.